VOL. I · NO. 8566FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 2026
The Daily Buffoon
WHITE HOUSE ✒ EDITORIAL ABSURDITY: 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

Trump orders Pentagon to redesign US aircraft carrier to use steam catapults to launch jets

Filed 1w ago · Via The Guardian · The Buffoon Desk
THIS STORY IS SCORED
Machinations
Kevin MacLeod · incompetech.com · CC BY 4.0

Donald Trump has directed the Pentagon to redesign the USS Doris Miller, a Ford-class carrier already two years behind schedule, replacing its electromagnetic launch and elevator systems with steam and hydraulic ones. The memorandum, signed Thursday, gives Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth and acting Navy Secretary Hung Cao 60 days to produce a plan.

Trump has told a version of this story — a mysterious 'catapulter' explaining that steam can be fixed with a hammer and blowtorch while electric requires 'geniuses from MIT' — every year since 2017, to Time magazine, Republican donors, CPAC, Tucker Carlson, and assorted ship crews. General Atomics, which builds the current system and says its work is nearly half complete, warned that switching now would introduce 'significant cost, schedule, and integration risks.'

Senator Mark Kelly, a former astronaut and test pilot, said even he wouldn't presume to tell the Navy how to engineer its ships, and suggested Trump stick to 'ballrooms, bankruptcy, and bullshit.' The order lands as the USS Abraham Lincoln's crew endures a record-breaking deployment amid reported mental health strain.

The full dispatch is available from the source below.

✒ FROM THE EDITORIAL DESK
An anecdote about a chatty catapult officer has now outlasted two administrations, several campaigns, and apparently all internal Navy objection, which tells you everything about how policy gets made here. Somewhere a shipyard is now retrofitting hydraulics because a president once found a PowerPoint word intimidating.
Source: Read the original at The Guardian → Scored: Machinations · Kevin MacLeod · CC BY 4.0
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