VOL. I · NO. 8618MONDAY, OCTOBER 5, 20265¢
The Daily Buffoon
ADVERTISEMENT
WHITE HOUSE ✒ EDITORIAL ABSURDITY:

Kratom, 7-OH laws diverge amid the spread of potent synthetic products

Filed 14h ago · Via Stateline · The Buffoon Desk
THIS STORY IS SCORED
Song of the Volga Boatmen
Kevin MacLeod · incompetech.com · CC BY 4.0
Photo: Habib M'henni · CC BY 4.0 · via Wikimedia Commons

Traditional kratom has circulated for years as a lightly regulated herbal supplement, but concentrated 7-hydroxymitragynine, or 7-OH, products are now spreading alongside it, prompting 36 states to introduce regulation in the past two legislative sessions. At least 31 states already regulate kratom in some form, from outright bans to age limits and labeling rules, while Pennsylvania is weighing a bill to allow natural-leaf sales to adults 21 and up while banning concentrated 7-OH products.

U.S. poison centers logged 3,434 kratom-related exposure reports in 2025, about 1,200 percent more than in 2015, and 2026 is on pace to run 68 percent higher still. Physicians say 7-OH binds the same opioid receptor as morphine, making it more addictive and harder to quit, and note there is no quality control ensuring labels match contents.

The issue drew fresh attention in Mississippi after police found the same synthetic kratom product while investigating two university students' deaths, though toxicology results are pending and no link has been established. Researchers say the underlying poison-center data doesn't distinguish traditional leaf from newer concentrated formulations, limiting what can be concluded about actual risk.

The full dispatch is available from the source below.

✒ FROM THE EDITORIAL DESK
A product nicknamed “gas station heroin” by the people trying to ban it is not exactly a marketing problem the industry can spin its way out of. States are left drawing lines between a leaf people have chewed for generations and a lab-tweaked version sold in the same aisle, often under the same label. If the bottle doesn't have to say what's really in it, the shelf might as well be a dare.
Source: Read the original at Stateline → Scored: Song of the Volga Boatmen · Kevin MacLeod · CC BY 4.0
Read it scored.
Every story, every clown, every kazoo — in your pocket. Music plays automatically. Regret is optional.
GET IT ON iOS GET IT ON ANDROID
OR FOLLOW THE DESK ON BLUESKY →
© 2026 The Daily Buffoon · Satire, scored. Privacy · Support · Music credits · On satire · Bluesky