VOL. I · NO. 8570TUESDAY, AUGUST 18, 2026
The Daily Buffoon
WHITE HOUSE ✒ EDITORIAL ABSURDITY: 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

University of Michigan taps Vanderbilt vice chancellor as next president

Filed 1w ago · Via Michigan Advance · The Buffoon Desk
THIS STORY IS SCORED
Royal Banana
Kevin MacLeod · incompetech.com · CC BY 4.0
Photo: Rijksmuseum · CC0 · via Wikimedia Commons

The University of Michigan's Board of Regents announced Tuesday that Cybele Raver, currently Vanderbilt's provost and vice chancellor for academic affairs, will become the school's next president, pending a formal vote scheduled for Sept. 1. Her term would begin Dec. 1, with outgoing president Domenico Grasso staying on through November to hand off the reins.

The university's own announcement credits Raver with helping Vanderbilt cross $1 billion in annual research spending, launching a new computing college, and expanding the school's footprint to four U.S. cities. Board chair Michael Behm called her a proven builder of teams and research excellence, and reaffirmed, in the same breath, the university's belief that Michigan 'must remain the best university in the country.'

Raver, for her part, described the job as an 'extraordinary honor' at a 'pivotal moment in higher education,' language that could have been generated for any hire at any university in any decade. The vote to make it official is still ten days out.

The full dispatch is available from the source below.

✒ FROM THE EDITORIAL DESK
A university announcing that its incoming president is a visionary leader who will build on unmatched excellence is not news so much as liturgy — every hiring committee says this about every hire, and every hire nods along about pivotal moments. The actual substance here is a resume line about research dollars and a new college; the rest is the sound of an institution complimenting itself for its own decision. We'll check back in a few years to see if 'unmatched' survives contact with a budget meeting.
Source: Read the original at Michigan Advance → Scored: Royal Banana · Kevin MacLeod · CC BY 4.0
ADVERTISEMENT
Read it scored.
Every story, every clown, every kazoo — in your pocket. Music plays automatically. Regret is optional.
GET IT ON iOS GET IT ON ANDROID
© 2026 The Daily Buffoon · Satire, scored. Privacy · Support · Music credits · On satire