VOL. I · NO. 8599WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2026
The Daily Buffoon
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WHITE HOUSE ✒ EDITORIAL ABSURDITY:

‘Alligator Alcatraz’ detainees were held in cages the size of a phone booth

Filed 57m ago · Via Florida Phoenix · The Buffoon Desk
THIS STORY IS SCORED
Trio for Piano, Cello, and Clarinet
Kevin MacLeod · incompetech.com · CC BY 4.0
Photo: (Official White House Photo by Shealah Craighead) · Public domain · via Wikimedia Commons

A Department of Homeland Security inspector general report found that ‘Alligator Alcatraz,’ the Florida-built immigration detention facility, held 79 detainees in metal cages roughly the size of a phone booth for stretches up to nearly two hours between July 2025 and January 2026. The 33-page report calls the practice ‘unprecedented’ among ICE facilities and says it fails to meet standards for humane treatment, alongside findings of bug-infested showers, inoperable phones, undocumented withdrawal cases, and freezers running above safe temperatures.

Detainees got three showers a week and three hours of recreation weekly, both below standard, while housing units packed detainees into 28 square feet each. Gov. Ron DeSantis said at a news conference he had not read the report but defended the facility's arrest numbers, and a spokesperson told the Miami Herald the state would make the cages ‘even smaller’ if it could.

Florida's Legislature approved another $250 million for the agency that built the roughly $1 billion facility even as environmental and rights groups suing over the site called its conditions ‘cruel beyond measure’ and pointed to damage in the Everglades.

The full dispatch is available from the source below.

✒ FROM THE EDITORIAL DESK
A man says he hasn't read the report and then tells you the report is wrong. That's a neat trick, and a spokesman promising to shrink the cages further if only the rules allowed is not the defense somebody thinks it is. Meanwhile the freezers ran warm and the phones didn't work, which is the sort of detail you'd fix at a church hall before the potluck, and here it took a federal inspector to notice.
Source: Read the original at Florida Phoenix → Scored: Trio for Piano, Cello, and Clarinet · Kevin MacLeod · CC BY 4.0
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