VOL. I · NO. 8622FRIDAY, OCTOBER 9, 20265¢
The Daily Buffoon
ADVERTISEMENT
WORLD ABSURDITY:

Teen girl accused of drugging soldier's alcohol and strangling him faces trial in Ukraine

Filed 56m ago · Via NV · The Buffoon Desk
THIS STORY IS SCORED
Decline
Kevin MacLeod · incompetech.com · CC BY 4.0
Photo: Jakub Hałun · CC BY 4.0 · via Wikimedia Commons

Police in Ukraine's Rivne Oblast completed an investigation into a 14-year-old girl accused of killing a 27-year-old Ukrainian soldier on instructions from Russia's FSB, delivered through a Telegram contact she had romantic feelings for. Investigators say she drugged his drink and strangled him while on a video call with her handler on Jan. 30, 2026, in exchange for a promised trip to Russian-controlled territory.

She is also accused of setting fire to a military vehicle in November 2025 for a promised $1,000 she never received. The indictment has been sent to court on a premeditated murder charge carrying up to 15 years, while the SBU separately pursues the handler and the organizer of the killing.

The full dispatch is available from the source below.

Source: Read the original at NV → Scored: Decline · Kevin MacLeod · CC BY 4.0
MORE FROM THE DESK
THE EDITION OF FRIDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2026 → · THE ARCHIVE
Read it scored.
Every story, every clown, every kazoo — in your pocket. Music plays automatically. Regret is optional.
GET IT ON iOS GET IT ON ANDROID
OR FOLLOW THE DESK ON BLUESKY →
© 2026 The Daily Buffoon · Satire, scored. Archive · Privacy · Support · Music credits · On satire · Bluesky