VOL. I · NO. 8583MONDAY, AUGUST 31, 2026
The Daily Buffoon
COURTS ✒ EDITORIAL ABSURDITY: 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

Texas abortion funds ask federal panel to prevent prosecutions

Filed 1h ago · Via Courthouse News · The Buffoon Desk
THIS STORY IS SCORED
Five Card Shuffle
Kevin MacLeod · incompetech.com · CC BY 4.0
Photo: Daderot · CC0 · via Wikimedia Commons

Texas nonprofits that help people travel out of state for abortions asked the Fifth Circuit to preemptively block prosecution under a pre-Roe statute criminalizing 'furnishing the means for procuring an abortion.' Texas argues the century-old law was never repealed, while the Fifth Circuit has previously held the opposite, and no prosecutor has actually charged anyone under it since Dobbs.

District attorneys' attorney Heather Hacker told the panel the old law doesn't cover travel, funding, or lodging, and suggested the groups lack standing entirely — offering that as a cleaner off-ramp than wading into sovereign immunity questions. But she also conceded no formal assurance has been given, and Travis County's DA has said his office would pursue any case with probable cause.

The plaintiffs' attorney argued that silence from most prosecutors, paired with one DA's openness to enforcement, is exactly the kind of ambiguity that justifies a court ruling rather than trusting good faith. The panel, split across appointees of three different presidents, gave no indication of timing.

The full dispatch is available from the source below.

✒ FROM THE EDITORIAL DESK
When the state's best argument is 'nobody's used this law yet, so stop worrying,' that is not the same as promising nobody will. Asking frightened nonprofits to rely on prosecutorial vibes rather than an actual ruling is a strange kind of comfort to offer with a straight face.
Source: Read the original at Courthouse News → Scored: Five Card Shuffle · Kevin MacLeod · CC BY 4.0
ADVERTISEMENT
Read it scored.
Every story, every clown, every kazoo — in your pocket. Music plays automatically. Regret is optional.
GET IT ON iOS GET IT ON ANDROID
© 2026 The Daily Buffoon · Satire, scored. Privacy · Support · Music credits · On satire