VOL. I · NO. 8567SATURDAY, AUGUST 15, 2026
The Daily Buffoon
WHITE HOUSE ✒ EDITORIAL ABSURDITY: 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

US takes risky bet on private ‘pirates’ to combat cybercrime

Filed 1w ago · Via straitstimes.com · The Buffoon Desk
THIS STORY IS SCORED
Bushwick Tarantella Loop
Kevin MacLeod · incompetech.com · CC BY 4.0

President Trump signed an Aug. 12 memorandum directing the Justice and Homeland Security departments to let certain US companies hack, spy on, and disable servers belonging to transnational cybercriminal groups behind ransomware, sextortion, and fraud the White House says cost Americans over $20 billion in 2025. Each operation needs prior government approval and a bond of at least $1 million, with lethal force and international "use of force" thresholds excluded.

Experts compare it to 18th-century privateering, when governments licensed private ships to raid enemies; TRM Labs' Ari Redbord argues modern oversight can track operations continuously, while cybersecurity professor Alan Woodward warns privateering's real failure was that it became more trouble than it was worth.

The move reverses the administration's own prior position — as recently as March, officials said they were "not interested in fighting pirates with pirates," and the National Cyber Director had ruled out this approach — with no explanation given for the reversal. The Trump administration has 60 days to finalize the program, with parts staying classified, and researcher Jason Healey noted the administration has separately weakened oversight bodies like the Office of the Director of National Intelligence.

The full dispatch is available from the source below.

✒ FROM THE EDITORIAL DESK
Handing hacking authority to private companies while simultaneously gutting the intelligence oversight apparatus meant to watch them is not a plan, it's a liability waiver with extra steps. The administration reversed its own five-month-old position without explanation, which is usually a sign the explanation wouldn't survive contact with daylight.
Source: Read the original at straitstimes.com → Scored: Bushwick Tarantella Loop · Kevin MacLeod · CC BY 4.0
ADVERTISEMENT
Read it scored.
Every story, every clown, every kazoo — in your pocket. Music plays automatically. Regret is optional.
GET IT ON iOS GET IT ON ANDROID
© 2026 The Daily Buffoon · Satire, scored. Privacy · Support · Music credits · On satire