VOL. I · NO. 8584TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2026
The Daily Buffoon
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WORLD ✒ EDITORIAL ABSURDITY:

Why doesn’t Russia kill Ukraine’s leaders? Putin says he needs ‘some kind of negotiators’ left in Kyiv — in case they decide to settle.

Filed 1h ago · Via Meduza · The Buffoon Desk
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Umbrella Pants
Kevin MacLeod · incompetech.com · CC BY 4.0
Photo: Internet Archive Book Images · No restrictions · via Wikimedia Commons

At a 3 a.m. press conference following the Shanghai Cooperation Organization summit in Bishkek, Vladimir Putin fielded questions on Germany closing Russia's consulate, Zelensky's remarks on Russian airspace, and the odds of another mobilization after Russia's elections. Asked about reports of orders for large-scale strikes on Ukraine's energy grid, he said he hadn't heard of any such order but that if it existed it would amount to state terrorism — then explained that Russia avoids such strikes because it needs 'some kind of negotiators' left standing in Kyiv.

On the question of nationalization of businesses after refinery damage from Ukrainian strikes, Putin said the idea was never on the table, then described meeting with businessmen who, after discussion, agreed to 'pitch in' on protecting facilities the state hadn't defended. He dismissed Germany's consulate closure as a function of Chancellor domestic politics and sagging poll numbers, floating without evidence that evidence against Russia had been 'planted.' He closed by warning that anyone trying to 'wolf down' Russia 'might catch one in the teeth.'

The full dispatch is available from the source below.

✒ FROM THE EDITORIAL DESK
There is a particular genre of press conference in which the denial and the confession share a sentence and nobody in the room is permitted to notice. Sparing your counterparties so somebody remains to sign the surrender is not restraint, it is inventory management, and it is being described out loud at three in the morning by a man who has decided the world will take whatever he says at whatever hour he chooses to say it. The only reliable fact in the transcript is that the questions were better than the answers.
Source: Read the original at Meduza → Scored: Umbrella Pants · Kevin MacLeod · CC BY 4.0
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