VOL. I · NO. 8619TUESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 20265¢
The Daily Buffoon
ADVERTISEMENT
WHITE HOUSE ✒ EDITORIAL ABSURDITY:

Presidential Message on German American Day

Filed 2h ago · Via White House · The Buffoon Desk
THIS STORY IS SCORED
Mary Celeste
Kevin MacLeod · incompetech.com · CC BY 4.0
Photo: Guy Kawasaki · CC BY-SA 4.0 · via Wikimedia Commons

The White House issued a presidential message commemorating October 6, 1683, when 13 families from Krefeld landed and founded Germantown, Pennsylvania, billed as the first permanent German settlement in America.

The message credits German Americans with farming the heartland, powering American industry, and serving in both World Wars and the Cold War. It then pivots to NATO, crediting the administration with a historic renewal of the alliance and a historic commitment from allies to increase defense spending, with Germany specifically cited for bold steps.

The message closes by declaring Germans helped make the United States the greatest Nation on Earth, without specifying what, if anything, is actually happening today beyond the proclamation itself.

The full dispatch is available from the source below.

✒ FROM THE EDITORIAL DESK
Thirteen families from Krefeld crossed an ocean, cleared land, and built a town, and three hundred-some years later they get drafted into a press release about NATO spending. That's a long way to travel just to end up as the warm-up act. You'd think the folks who founded Germantown could have a birthday card without the sender signing his own name twice as big, and calling it historic both times.
Source: Read the original at White House → Scored: Mary Celeste · Kevin MacLeod · CC BY 4.0
Read it scored.
Every story, every clown, every kazoo — in your pocket. Music plays automatically. Regret is optional.
GET IT ON iOS GET IT ON ANDROID
OR FOLLOW THE DESK ON BLUESKY →
© 2026 The Daily Buffoon · Satire, scored. Privacy · Support · Music credits · On satire · Bluesky